I need help on a story line please?

“Tessie! Get your butt in this car right now!” I shreiked. It was pouring and she just couldn’t help looking at that little Coach purse.

“Thanks, Ash, love you too. I am SO getting that purse next time, don’t you try to stop me!” Tess, my best friend in the whole world, fit perfectly with me. She was a perfect 5’6, same as me, but she had long blonde hair that curled at the tips, and jade green eyes. Unlike her, I had highlighted brown hair that was sexily layered, and carribean blue eyes. But both of us, undeniably so, were the most popular and beautiful girls in school, and the most wealthy.

“Tess, can we head down to your house? I got a date with Matt, and I need to primp, and you know I adore your straightener!”

“Sure, I need to get ready for a date too. We can make it a primp party!” She laughed.

“Who? I never can keep up with you and all those guys!” I had a steady boyfriend, Matt Robinson, whereas Tess was always on one boy to the next, she could never decide. She probably had at least six guys that she was currently stringing along.

“Baseball hottie, Andrew Hawking!” She sqeauled. “We’re going to see the Knowing, another dumb horror movie,” She sighed.

“At least it’s a good reason for some major make-out. Horror scene, sqeaul, hop in his lap, and get some action. Matt and I are going to have a home movie showing, in his room. I’ll be getting some action myself,” I was actually very happy, lately my powers have been weakening, probably of over-use (stupid zits) and I could use some nice one-on-one with Matt to cheer me up. But I could never tell Tess this, she had no idea about my powers. She was a natural beauty, blessed by God, whereas I, was not. If I was being truthful wih myself , I would admit that I was really a 5’4, clumsy girl with no status in her social life at all. Before she lived in Los Angeles, she lived in Chicago, Illinois. She had her true identity and she was in the lowest social category possible, with only one friend, a math club geek. She came to Los Angeles, shortly after discovering her powers, and she decided to use them to change her appearance, a project that was so far working well.

______________________________________…

So, how do you like it? should i change anything\? this is the beggining and the main part of the rest is that she loses her powers and is forced to be a regular girl and live her life how she really is, and she discovers that even if shes ot beautiful and popular, life isnt all that bad. please, give me your opinion! thxI need help on a story line please?
dont worry, i love it. dont listen to other jerks who are proboly sucky writers who want to harp on a good story.



i'll be here for you nat. next time, send it to me, and ask me. i'll be honest. like i am now =)



btw thanks for usin my name!!I need help on a story line please?
i think you need more of a plot line
I stopped reading halfway through - this has nothing interesting going. First off, I can automatically tell that you're under 16 because of the way you write - it shouldn't be like that.



Fix your spelling, grammar, etc - that's first. Also, your characters sound like Mary Sue's (link below) - don't make them popular, beautiful, et cetera - at least not in description. You should never describe your characters all at once like you did - and stick to basic colours, not Caribbean blue eyes, blue! Not sexily (which is not a word) layered - well, here you don't even have to explain the hair because it's not important! And having powers is such an overused device - either beauty, popularity, or powers - not all three in one.



Also, you're dating your work (making it obvious what age it's set in). Don't include designers, current movie titles, et cetera, because chanced are that they won't be known in the future and you'll confuse or bore the reader that way.
I'm going to steal my friend's line and say ';You've made a classic mistake.';



You've told us about the characters instead of showing us gradually through the story. By leaving out some details and saving them for later, you'll make your story last longer and it will make people want to read on to find out more.



Edit:



Read Ariana's post very carefully. She's nailed it.